I am still here

So, I know it’s been quite a while since I even ventured onto the website, and I have to admit, it feels like an eternity. The holidays can be so incredibly tough sometimes, can’t they? I really want to be genuinely happy for everyone and their families, celebrating all their joyous little moments, but a part of me feels an overwhelming sadness and, honestly, I guess I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself since Jai simply wasn’t here to share those precious moments with us. We did manage to go to New Mexico, and during our time there, I found myself attempting new things that I would normally shy away from like a nervous turtle, but this time I was feeling adventurous! I did this because I know Jai would have absolutely loved every single second of it if he were there with us, probably cheering me on like the biggest fan. I guess you could say a part of me was living for him in those moments, trying to keep his spirit alive in my heart. But then, reality hit like a cold wave when I had to come back home, and it felt like a heavy weight, like a giant boulder pressing down on me; I was so profoundly consumed by sadness. How can I find happiness without him by my side, my supportive little shadow? I am still learning to navigate this life without him, and it feels like quite a monumental challenge, something akin to climbing a mountain with no gear. It’s so hard—my mind always pictures Jai getting married, having little kids to dote on and call his own, but now I find myself watching his friends experience those joys instead, and it’s just so heartbreakingly bittersweet. With Jai’s anniversary approaching in just 5 months, my brain is running like a hamster on a wheel, frantically trying to come up with something truly special that I can do for him. Of course, it absolutely needs to be special, because this is all for my baby boy, and he truly deserves all the love and tribute in the world.