3-18-25

So I know it’s been quite a while since my last post, and let me tell you, I have been emotional! Recently, I found myself having a moment so filled with anger and frustration that I could hardly contain it. Can you believe it’s getting close to 24 months since Jai has been gone? In all this time, I had not genuinely allowed myself to feel that deep-seated rage until now. I even found myself yelling at my husband—something I absolutely never do. Grief is one of those wild, twisting rides where you just don’t know how you will feel from day to day, which can be terribly exhausting. It’s as if I’m stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, unable to let myself enjoy even a moment of happiness, because I constantly feel this heavy guilt that Jai should be right here with us, sharing in all these experiences together. I miss him dearly, and I also long for the carefree version of myself from before. The truth is, I am not the same person I once was, and deep down, I know I never will be again. Despite the heartache, I recognize that I still have a precious daughter who needs me, and I must strive to be the best version of myself for her. Yet, each day feels like an uphill battle, and I can’t help but feel that it’s not fair. I just don’t understand why life has to be this way. Why did Jai decide to take that fateful pill that cost him his life? It’s a question that I keep wrestling with, and I know I need to try to let it go because the answers may forever elude me. Just like I will never know where he got those pills from. My heart will be forever altered, and I fear I will never fully heal from the loss of my beloved son.